A Skewed View

So, at 5:00 p.m., I was out the door after work, down the stairs, and into KITT: Then it was off to curves. After a quick work out, I was back on the road: To buy tickets for a movie: By then, of course, I was hungry. So back on the road, to Subway for a sandwich and a drink: By then it was time to head back to the theatre. To watch Fast and Furious : But the night wasn't over ...I had some grocery shopping at Walmart to do: (work was really slow on Friday. I had time to plan my night out in pictorial:)

So, if you're the receptionist at a walk-in business, and you have sat dutifully at your desk for about 95 minutes without a phone ring or in-person visit, what would you do: (keep in mind: your desk is positioned in such a manner as no coworker/boss can "sneak up" on you from behind, and any incoming clients have to open two doors to enter the office, so you can hear them in adequate time to return to proper work posture before they see you) A: Continue staring at your online appointment calendar like it is going to break out into an interpretive dance to entertain you as long as it is definitively convinced that it has your complete and undivided attention; B: Minimize the online calendar and pull up some online video games to play with the sound muted; C: Read a magazine discreetly; D: Read a novel discreetly; E: Close your eyes, watch your inner eye paramecium swim around your eyeballs, and relax. See, there are merits to each: A: If anyone peeks into your office, you...

The other day, my poor little heart had its first cardiac event. I was in the dollar store looking for something when I came across a cute little knick knack that one of my young coworkers would enjoy. While I figured I could easily pick it up as a random gift for her, I thought "maybe that would seem too creepy. A girl I barely know. A girl many years younger than me. A girl who was ... the same age ... as my best friend's first born ... oh my god I'm old enough to be MY COWORKER'S MOTHER!" My heart folded in upon itself with an audible crunch, and I think I did stop in the aisle to put my hand to my chest. Then I shuffled along the rest of the way down the aisle, with a bit of a hunch and just a touch of the arthritis. I would have thought I was too young to be this old ...

On a lark, yesterday I wore high heels to work. These high heels: I had been talking to a girl who works there about boots she's going to buy, and I mentioned I had bought these heels over a year ago but never wore them. Not even once. So, thinking about the shoes got me thinking about the shoes. And, as a last minute decision on my way out the door Friday morning, I switched my socks to nylons and pulled out these puppies. Never again. Don't even get me started on trying to scrape the ice off my vehicle with these frivoloties on my feet. I nearly slipped under the vehicle a couple of dozen of times (my frantic hand prints remain on the side of KITT from the times I flailed out for some sort of lifeline). I had to take the heels off to drive, otherwise my foot couldn't flex down far enough to urge my car faster than the idle propelled it. Then there was the parking lot ice rink I had to traverse in order to reach the two-story metal grate stairs to the front entrance of the...

... I've been working on a scarf for months. And by working, I mean every now and then for the past few months I've picked up my knitting and done a row or two, then put it down again. But my greatest achievement is this cute ball of yarn, which is attached to my scarf. When I think of knitting, I've always thought of a ball of yarn with two needles sticking out of it. Now, a less creative person would be bothered by the fact that it started out kind of narrow, got wider, and then narrowed again. Since I am a realist, I anticipate it will continue this trend until I am done transforming all my yarn into a scarf formation. And I do expect to just knit until all the yarn ball it gone. And all this yarn blob is gone too: I anticipate having a new long, wavy, purple and blue scarf to give myself on my fiftieth birthday.

- Why would anyone become an ATB Financial customer, when their commercials reveal that they think their customers are morons who can’t recognize a human voice? - What were the Montreal Canadiens wearing today against Boston? They looked like elves at the North Pole who were incarcerated in a 1930s prison movie. - My award for cool head of the day goes to the chef on Food Challenge’s Italian Family Feast who had nothing to present to the judges because his father – who, thanks to the twist in the episode, was his kitchen help for the challenge – cut up the main dish and fed it to the audience when the chef was busy working on something else. The chef turned back around and asked his dad where the meatballs were, and his dad pointed out to the cud-chewing crowd. To his credit, the chef just put his head in his hands, probably trying to figure out what he ever did to his father to make daddy dearest so intent on publicly screwing him like this.