A Skewed View

Okay so I’m reading a book on odd animal behaviour called “Why Pandas Do Handstands”, by Augustus Brown, and I just have to share this tidbit about killer whales: “The killer whale, or orca, is one of natures’ most ingenious predators, with a wide range of tricks for capturing its prey. Orcas have been known to beach themselves in order to catch sea lions, upend ice floes to tip seals and penguins into the sea, and slap their tails on the water’s surface to wash birds off rocks into their path.” Okay, all rather foreseeable. I’ve been known to grab a barbeque fork to help hook a box of cereal from the top of my cupboards when I have the munchies and don’t want to take the time to grab a footstool. You’re hungry, you do what you got to do. But this is just cold, man: “Their most spectacular trick, however, is reserved for sharks. The orca kills its deep sea rival by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing it to explode.” When I first read that, I thought it ...

On my way back to work from lunch today, I saw a man jogging with his dachshund. Not fast, mind you, but definitely jogging. Oooh those little dachshund legs were going -- the front appeared to be motoring in independence of the rear, but both ends were keeping up admirably. And that dog was happy. Every few seconds he'd beam up at his master without missing a step. Every other few seconds were spent sneaking as quick a whiff of his surroundings as his locomotion and leash would allow (... scent hounds must succomb to their baser instincts after all...). The lesson? Function can transcend form. Or: Even if you don't think you're figuratively (or literally) built for something, it'll come through if it's in your heart (... but don't forget to always take stock of what's around you. You don't want to discover too late that you jogged past an errant McDonald's french fry.)

Man, how I love America's Next Top Model. Love it! I watch these gaggle of girls who don't have a brain synapse to rub together amongst them, and I am reminded of the prophecy of Judge Judy: beauty fades; dumb is forever. Do you watch it? These young women who are supposed to be adults invariably bawl to the camera about how much they miss home. Like not one of them has ever even attended a sleepover before in their obviously sheltered lives. Then they call their moms at the end of the day to whine that the other girls in the house have been mean to them. Not that the modelling tasks are difficult. Not that they're sick or they're tired -- that other girls are being mean to them. What do they expect their moms to do? Call the other girls' moms and say "Your 19 year old daughter made my 22 year old daughter cry. Make your daughter be nice to mine." And this season, all the communication from Tyra comes via an electronic scroll-screen, so these girls stand ...

Okay - new day! New start! New attitude! Combined Turtle-Squirrel Perspective (see below if this just throws you for a complete loop) and away we go. Work, first. I've been wracking my brain on how to make my job less stressful, and finally last night I came up with it: Quit stressing. I've been asking for help with my workload for months now, only to be met with a stony silence that is only shattered when the Committee asks why I haven't done more, done it better and done it quicker. Well they know why. They just aren't acknowledging why. Or doing anything to help me handle the why. So from here on in, I do my best. And if anyone comes down on the Committee because more or better reports aren't being produced and faster, that's not on me. I'm the only one around here trying. They can all -- as my father was fond of saying when I was young -- pound sand up their nose. (frankly, at this point I would love it if the Committee was found to be ine...

Yay! Four day weekend. I had such plans. I was going to get so much writing done. I was going to finish unpacking and rearranging my apartment. I was going to see a movie. It was going to be such an awesome four days, man! But I forgot one important point -- we're talking about me, here. I traditionally underperform on myself. And how depressing is that, eh? It's annoying to know you've let someone else down. What's the point when you constantly let yourself down? And I didn't even get a visit from the Easter Bunny. Crappy rabbit.

It’s Christmas in Hawaii. Back on “the mainland”, you have stress. Work is piling up. Coworkers don’t know how close they come to forcing you to reduce them to photographs on the side of milk cartons. Chances are your apartment is messy, your bank account isn’t what it should be at your age, family and friends wonder why you can’t attract a nice guy into your life (obviously you’re not the one to ask – you want to tell them to track down the guys you’ve met over the years and ask them why none have stayed for a longer conversation than “Hmm, that’s fascinating. Nice to meet you, but I’m going to walk over *there* now”) and you realize you’ve spent your entire adult life in pursuit of a paycheque rather than your dreams because the brief period of time in your life when you did pursue your dreams you had to constantly explain to people that no, you didn’t quit a good job with little thought to your financial security and no, it isn’t the same as running off to join the circus because y...